I’ve been reading lately about the confessions of Patrick and Augustine. They had struggles and shortcomings just like me and you, yet they had a profound impact for Christ on the world around them. Most of us would be honored to accomplish one tenth of what these men did. In our impotence and ineffectiveness, we feel the need to put on masks to hide the things we feel would tarnish our public image. The appearance of having it all together even supersedes the need to reach out when we need help, or seek counsel when we’re hurting. It’s strange since these men let it all hang out and changed the world anyway.
So, if these men can lay themselves bare, with great faith in God’s covering, why can’t we? Why do we, like Adam, hide our nakedness even from God? Maybe it’s because everyone’s doing it. Maybe if someone else would start, a chain reaction of transparency and vulnerability would occur, allowing God to mightily use these broken vessels that seem to only want to be carefully displayed. Since someone has to start, I think I will.
My upbringing was far from the traditional nuclear family. My folks divorced when I was still in grade school. My mom had to go to work to raise my brother and me, which left me alone to find all sorts of trouble to get into, including watching some very inappropriate things on television, ding dong ditching the neighbors, and being a general pest alongside my friends. I wasn’t great in school and secured my ranking as average in most of my classes. I wrestled in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade but never actually won a match.
In high school, I found a relationship with Christ in a major way. Unfortunately, I was a pharisee and would harshly judge people. I had a sarcastic side a mile wide and would bring some people to tears by getting a laugh at their expense. I dated the wrong girl and barely made it to graduation with my virginity intact. I learned some things about myself, during my teenage years, that would really hurt me later in life. I had charm, wit, and charisma and I knew how to use them to sail through certain things instead of patiently doing the hard work that prepares us for greater service.
I dropped out of college early because I already had a decent preaching ministry (thanks to charm and charisma) and I thought school was “for suckers”. I felt the impact of that decision when I failed my first credentialing exam. I burned bridges during those early ministry years by taking an “I’m going to say whatever I feel God is telling me to” attitude instead of taking the role of a servant.
When I transitioned from speaker to youth pastor, I spoke ill of my senior leader and got fired. It wasn’t the only time I was fired from a ministry position and had to learn many lessons the hard way. I’ve attempted to pioneer a couple of ministries that ended when I tucked my tail between my legs and gave up. I came up with grand excuses and logical reasons for quitting, but in the end it was because I just couldn’t hack it.
I’ve wasted away many hours with distractions, diversions, and a complete lack of focus. I’ve lied about my efforts, distorted results, and manipulated perceptions. I’ve stolen, cheated, and allowed things in my “ear-gates” and “eye-gates” that don’t belong. I am, in short, a complete mess.
But…
But God’s grace has been all over me like a warm blanket. He’s used this big pile of broken, dysfunctional mess to make a difference in the lives of young and old. He’s lovingly humbled me and used me to bless others. He’s used me to build significant student ministries. He’s sent me overseas to be a blessing to pastors. He’s allowed me to lead large groups of young people in passionate prayer.
The Lord has placed wonderful mentors in my life to teach, guide, and disciple me. I’ve had the honor of “carrying the cloak” of men with powerful ministries and exceptional leadership skills. He’s given me a great love for reading and has taught me things that have changed my ministry paradigm; things that I’ve been able to pass on to others.
I’ve had the thrill of working alongside major movie actors and directors. I’ve been on the set of an Oscar winning production. I’ve worked behind the camera, in front of the camera, and on the air.
I’ve shared in churches and in media all over the country and in Ireland. I’m seriously amazed at the opportunities God has given this uneducated, distracted, mess of a man. Want to know what the greatest thing is though?
My family. When I look at my kids, I don’t see the loneliness and brokenness I felt as a child. They’re healthy and they love Jesus with all their heart! God made me a good dad and THAT is a miracle! I’m crazy about my wife of almost 18 years too! I know this is His hand because I couldn’t stick with anything for more than three months, twenty years ago.
God’s tenacious grace has rooted itself deep into my soul. I’m bound to it and it to me. I’m nothing without it so I’m immeasurably grateful for it. That’s my confession.
What’s yours?
Lee- Thanks for that honest insight into your life as you obviously lead by example in writing it. I too lay awake at night or daydream about why I am even able to do what I do on a daily basis with the mistakes I have made. However, I look at those as missed opportunities rather than the end result. Appreciate your support and friendship. Rob
You are not alone and you know that. Many of us had to crawl before we could walk with the Lord with us all the time even when we were not looking. Our God is a merciful God who as we bumbled along all full of ourselves, picked us up right when we needed to be picked up, or spanked us when we needed to be spanked so we could serve Him the way He wanted us to serve. If we allow Him, God will hone us into the image of His Son, and through that walk with Him, all things fall into order. That’s why your family and mine have turned out so great, and why your ministry prospers. God is good.
Hey bud,
This is REALLY good stuff. I love your writing style and your candidness. Its a side of you that I can’t say I see alot. I’ve always loved your humor which stems from your sarcasm as you say but this, this transparent guy has a warmth that draws me to care beyond being like family to a more depth-filled partnership in serving Christ. What I appreciate about your thoughts is how raw truth can open us to accept and value one another’s service so much greater allowing that service to be even more impactful for the Kingdom.
Your family is blessed to have you and I’m honored to know you and call you a friend. I look forward to seeing how your challenge toward transparency fuels even greater things God has in store for you.
Love you guys!
Suzanne
Lee, thank you for sharing your story. We are a nation and a church of hypocrites and it’s great to see real people man up and confess the truth. I too am a royal screw-up from the beginning, and I am so indebted to God’s grace. There are gifts and ministries inside of me that I am constantly messing up because I am so short sighted and selfish. My life is a testimony to the fact that God never gives up on us and I am committed to becoming all that God wants me to be. Thanks for your open and honest confession.
Hi, Lee, since you started to follow me on Twitter, I get curious about who is following me. Very interesting read. We all have our stories. I have mine- I like you didn’t grow up in a traditional family, I also came from a broken home. I growing up was very angry ( a murderous rage to be exact). I used drugs, alcohol, sex, and cigarettes to numb myself, I started at an early age, 10 years old to be exact. There was abuse (sexual, physical, mental, and emotional)that I had to deal with- I didn’t have the resources that are available today. This was back when if you ran away they took you back to your parents. I ran away 5 times, and 5 times they returned me. Now at the age of 5 my mother took me to church (she was abusive to me as well.) I talked out my problems in the youth group, and asked adults to take me in. I asked adults in the family, friends parents, and even girlfreinds parents, nobody would help to take me out of my family. I prayed to Jesus to get me out- and of course He didn’t- so that added to my anger, and He lost me from the time I was 18 until I had a stroke when I was 33 years old. I had been in the Air Force from ’84-’94. I worked in the computer field when I got out. I was planning to go back in the military in the Marines to be a sniper- great work to do when you are in a rage. But the stroke I had in ’97 put a stop to it. I was paralysed on my right side, the right side of my face hung down to my chest, couldn’t walk or talk. The only thing I could do was pray in my mind, and I prayed to the LORD asked Him to heal me, and if He would I would do whatever He wanted me to do, so HE did and I am. This is the short version of my story. I left out what I was doing as a teenager. I used to have a band of my own, writing music and novels, with a bad drug and alcohol habit. Overdosed many times, so at some point I had to stop and get clean, that was a decision to leave being a professional musician, and writng novels. I still read alot, play music for myself. I collect music, novels, and diecast models (cars, trucks, planes, military vehicles). I still listen to music that is out there, the new stuff. I am now a Marine, and a prophet in the LORD’s military, my job is to fight demons day and night. On the front lines, not really associated with any church, my beliefs are more in line with the Messianc Jews. I look at amightywind.com, who is the Ring Maiden. Also a prophetess. She doesn’t know me very well- but that maybe a good thing. I like to work in the background. The demons know me pretty well. I don’t really care if they do, I am not afriad of them. I am a God-fearing man- He has proven to me that if He wants to He can bring me down to my knees. He did it with the stroke. That was how He got me back. It is a lesson I won’t soon forget.
Wow, thanks for your comments. Transparency is such a powerful thing. I’ve felt God working in me ever since I posted this. I’m so happy His mercies are new every morning and our past does not determine our future. He does!