Love
Has your love ever been tested?
I remember, years ago, a mentor of mine saying that no two people should ever get married without first having an intense fight. Luckily, my then fiance (now wife) and I had that covered. About an hour after I asked her to marry me, we were standing in the street having a shouting match on a cold winter night. Classy, right? I know but we worked through it, and here we are still married after almost 25 years.
One of the mistakes we make when considering love (for a spouse, our children, or anyone else we claim to love) is that we assume that fond feelings must be attached. We might be endeared to a person and tell them that we love them. Love and endearment really aren’t the same thing.
I remember a guy walking up to me, after a particularly lively and emotional time of church worship, saying, “I love you man. I’m committed to you.” I hardly ever heard from him after that.
A very good friend of mine, who was married for decades, told me he was leaving his wife because he wasn’t enjoying himself anymore and there was a younger woman who made him feel special.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned about love. If you’re not willing to put the work into it, if you’re not willing to stick with someone when things get tough, if you’re not willing to commit when you’re not getting anything out of it, then it’s not love.
Maybe it’s like, maybe it’s fond feelings, maybe it’s fun. But it’s not love.
The thing with love (real love) is that it’s willing to work through the ugly, willing to go long periods of time performing acts of love without feelings, and even willing to pray, believe, and be kind when the other person is pushing you away.
I have an autistic son that is currently going through a phase where he flies into a rage for seemingly very small things. When he has one of these episodes, he says hurtful things, yells, and shakes his fist. My gut response is to say something cutting and walk away. I’m tired.
Every time, I have to make the a deliberate decision to love.
I have to intentionally speak with love, not fight fire with fire (which I sometimes fail at), and renew my commitment to walk with him through this season of his life. It’s hard but love is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something.
Before I wrap this up, I want to ask you, who do you need to love stronger?
Have you checked out of one of your most important relationships? Do you find yourself judging people that really need love? Are you distancing yourself from someone who’s difficult to love?
Love stronger. Push through. Keep loving.
I recently wrote a short e-book called The Love Stronger Manifesto and I want to give you a copy. Just click here to download it. My prayer is that you’ll read it and accept the challenge to love yourself and others in a way that can change the world.
Love can heal broken people, can transform your life, and can make a difference in our families and communities.
We just need to love stronger.
culture
Recently, I was having a conversation with a local psychologist and the topic of smartphone addiction came up. It’s become a serious problem over the last few years and the constant impulse to check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc is eroding our ability to concentrate or focus our attention for more than a few seconds. It’s also having a negative impact on our face to face interactions with other people.
Think about it. How many times have you unlocked your phone to check the time or weather and found yourself unconsciously trolling Facebook minutes later?
My friend explained how the constant dopamine surges in our brains have us hooked on the social media and email checks we indulge in several times a day. A recent statistic I read said the average person spends around 1 hour and 40 minutes browsing social media a day. That averages to 28,300 hours in a lifetime (over three years)!
We sleep with our smartphones next to us. They’re often the last thing we look at before going to sleep and the first thing we look at in the morning. We’re captive to notifications, we refuse to just sit and think, and we panic when we accidentally leave the house without our phones.
My psychologist friend will not buy a smartphone. Instead he uses an old flip phone so that he can talk or text, but he had a very interesting solution for those of us who would rather keep our iPhones and Androids because they make work life a little easier.
Put your phone’s display into grayscale mode.
If you’re not sure what this does, it basically turns everything black and white. Colors stimulate the brain in ways that create a sense of urgency. We feel we have to respond now, get more information, seek novelty. But a drab, gray screen is hardly inspiring. It changes your phone from a toy to a tool.
I decided to to give grayscale a try for a week and here’s what I discovered.
I reached for my phone less often. Let’s be honest, a gray screen isn’t very inspiring. Instagram is too blah to spend much time on, and Facebook looks like a turd. It didn’t take long at all before I just didn’t feel like trolling social media.
I didn’t feel the need to always have my phone on me. Since I didn’t feel like I’d be missing something, I was OK with leaving my phone put away when I was at home. This helped me be more present when I was with my family and connect with them with fewer distractions.
My concentration improved. Our brains have to switch gears every time we “just check” something on our phones real quick. This keeps us from thinking deeply and concentrating on the issue at hand. I read more too!
So, what am I doing now that the week-long experiment is over? I’m leaving my phone in grayscale mode. The benefits I’ve experienced from a black and white phone have far outweighed the coolness and shiny object factor of a color display. I don’t feel the draw of my phone anymore. I use it as a helpful tool without getting sucked in to endless distractions.
How about you? Have you tried grayscale mode? How did it make a difference? Feel free to leave a comment below. If you haven’t tried it, give it a week and let me know how it went.
life
I have an old friend that needs to make some changes in the way he lives. He doesn’t exercise and his diet consists mostly of fast food (LOTS of it). As a consequence, he’s obese, his energy is low, he gets sick a lot, and his marriage isn’t exactly on fire.
We’ve had many conversations (and even times of prayer) about his health, the way he eats, and small changes he could make to lose weight and improve his quality of life.
Over the years, he has made zero changes.
The tragedy of the situation doesn’t end with simply being overweight. It doesn’t take super powers to be able to see into his future. He’s headed for a mobility scooter, a heart attack, family members having to take care of him, or maybe worse.
Maybe a close encounter with death will inspire him to change. Maybe it will motivate him to eat a salad and go for a walk. Unfortunately, for many people, it takes a major crisis to get them to discipline themselves and start adjusting their lives to reflect what they SAY they value (health, family, finances, etc.)
Change is hard. We spend a long time developing unhealthy habits and they’re super tough to break. We usually don’t change until the pain of staying the way we are is greater than the pain we’ll endure changing the way we live.
The best time to make a change is before you need to.
Don’t wait until you’re $10,000 in credit card debt to change your spending habits, don’t wait until your wife leaves you to change the way you relate to her, and don’t wait until you have a heart attack before you change the way you eat.
If you saw a steamroller headed down the road toward you, you wouldn’t wait until your shoelaces were under it to get out of the way. That would be foolish! Yet, we pretty much do the same thing with our health, relationships, etc. We live in denial about the cause and effect of our decisions and then beg God for help when the self-imposed bomb drops.
Proverbs 22:3 says, “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.“
I think it’s important to do some self-evaluation on a regular basis. Ask yourself, “If I keep doing what I’m doing, where will I be in five years?” Or more specifically, “If I keep eating/entertainment binging/spending/parenting/leading/working the way that I do, where will I be in five years?”
Once you’ve figured out where you need to change, start moving in that direction. You don’t have to train for a triathlon, but you can start taking the stairs and maybe cutting out that second dessert. Set small goals you can keep and get back in the saddle when you fall off your horse.
The best time time to make a change is before you need to. Start making them now. It’s prudent, It’s wise, and it will save you massive amounts of unnecessary heartache in the inevitable future.
culture, life
Everywhere I go I see people looking at screens. Families at restaurants ignoring each other for Facebook, small children watching shows on a tablet while waiting for the dentist, even people watching TV while engaged with their iPad (two-fisted screen consumption!)
Despite all the research that’s proven the negative effects of all of our screen usage, we still do it. On average, Americans spend over 10 hours a day consuming media.
There’s something incredible that happens when we turn off our phones, take a break from our tablets, and power down our TV sets. It helps us to focus, gives us time for more meaningful activities, improves our relationships, and improves sleep.
To that end, I thought I’d provide you with a short list of activities you can do without a screen. Challenge yourself to add theses screen-less activities to your life and see what happens!
1. Read a book. Reading a book stimulates the brain, reduces stress, and improves concentration. Not only that, but the right books will help you to grow and equip you to do some cool stuff.
2. Take a nap. When was the last time you took a nap? A 15 to 90 minute nap can improve brain function and creativity. Not only that, they’re awesome!
3. Go for a walk. Walking prevents heart disease and diabetes. It also improves your mood. I frequently get great writing ideas while I’m walking. Walking’s one of my favorite activities!
4. Journal. Journaling promotes mindfulness, helps you reach your goals, and can even boost your IQ! I’ve been journaling for over 30 years and I love reading through old journals to see how far I’ve come.
5. Have more sex. Ever since we decided to keep the TV off on Monday nights, my wife and I have experienced an increase in lovin’. Put away the screens, turn on some Adele and see what happens ; )
6. Have a pleasant conversation with a family member. Let’s face it, much of our interactions with family members center around taking care of business, dealing with urgent issues, and reminding the kids to get their chores done. Intentionally sitting down to talk about life is such a joy so do it often!
7. Learn to play an instrument. Learning to play an instrument increases your memory capacity, enhances coordination, sharpens concentration, and relieves stress. It’s also super rewarding. I decided to learn guitar a few years ago and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!
8. Make a bucket list. All those things you want to do before you kick the bucket are much more likely to happen if you simply write them down. In fact, research shows that people who write their goals down are 50% more likely to accomplish them than those who don’t!
9. Play some board games. Board games bring the family together, improve your response time, and reduces stress. Take one off the shelf, put out some snacks, and make a night of it.
10. Do something artistic. Drawing improves creativity, memory, and problem solving skills. It’s also fun to share our artwork with others and display it around the house.
11. Do a nice surprise for someone. Doing nice things for others reduces stress, promotes mental health, and can even help you live longer. Make someone’s day and it could change your life!
12. De-clutter the house. De-cluttering promotes clarity and focus, and (you guessed it) reduces stress. Go through the garage and get rid of what you don’t need, give away those clothes you haven’t worn and notice how much lighter you feel.
That’s just 12 things you can do without a screen but there are many more. Feel free to share your favorites in the comments section below.
Fathers, Parenting
I feel like I’ve been a dad for a long time. My oldest son is 21 now and that makes me feel a tad old, especially considering that I was 21 when I was married.
Needless to say, I’ve learned a few things about parenting along the way and I thought I’d pass a few of those things on to today’s dads. Some of these things I wish I would have known before I started on my parenting journey so feel free to pass them on to any new parents you may know.
Mindset is everything
When my second son was born, a random old woman saw me carrying him in the grocery store and decided to dispense her home-spun wisdom to me. She said, “When they’re little, they’re a little trouble. When they get big, they’re big trouble.”
I looked at her and answered, “No, when they’re little, they’re a little blessing. When they get big, they’re a big blessing.” I then paid for my Hot Pockets and declared, “Good day madam!”
You know what I’ve discovered? My kids really are a blessing to me! When you take a Philippians 4:8 (think on the good) approach to your kids, you draw good things out of them. When you assume that they’re going to be a bother, then that’s all they’ll ever seem to be to you. Mindset is everything.
Be present when you’re with them
When my kids were toddlers, I felt like they would be by my side forever. The idea of being fully present in the moment didn’t carry any sense of importance with me because I thought I’d have thousands of opportunities to give them my full attention. If I could go back in time and turn off the TV, put down my phone, and step away from the computer I would. I would do it in a heartbeat and be present with them and drink in those moments because now those moments are gone forever.
Being present communicates that you value them, that they’re more important to you than hobbies or distractions. Those are bonding moments and teaching moments. Those are moments that earn you the right to speak into their lives when they get older.
Model your commitment to God in front of them
It’s our responsibility to raise our children up in the faith. Nothing is more important. Not school, not work, not sports. Nothing.
Back in my youth pastor days, I had a mother call me in a panic. She was at her whit’s end because her daughter was sneaking out of the house at night and drinking with her friends. She wanted desperately for her girl to be in church, connecting with Christian high-school students.
The problem was that the mother only attended church occasionally and the father would rather go hunting or wax the pickup truck than set an hour aside for worship on Sundays. If we don’t value our faith and our church community, then our kids won’t either. Beware of raising consumers because that’s what the default is if we’re not intentional about raising them otherwise.
Get involved with a mission and take your kids with you. Attend church with them on Sundays. Pray with them. You know how we say a prayer with our toddlers before they go to bed at night? I did that with my kids until they were teenagers. I have no regrets about that.
Have dinner with them every night (or most nights)
This one’s tough if both parents work full-time, but it’s worth it like you wouldn’t believe.
Do it up old-school. Eat around the table together, turn off the TV, and put away the phones. Have conversations, talk about your day, ask questions. The practice of sharing a meal together every night is so powerful!
Research shows that kids who eat dinner with their family in the evening do better in school, are less likely to do drugs, are less prone to depression, and are less likely to engage in high-school sexual activity. Who wouldn’t want that for their kids??
Have dinner together as a family as often as possible and it could change your kids’ lives!
I’ve got more. 21 years is a long time, but I’m going to stop there for now. Maybe I’ll post some more later. If you’re a parent and have found some really helpful things that you’d like to share, just drop them in the comments below. We all want what’s best for our kids so let’s keep praying for them and keep growing as parents.
